Get over yourself.

Rising to the challenge. That's the topic of this month's Scientiae Carnival, as put forward by Candid Engineer.
At first I wasn't sure what to write about because as a scientist, I feel like I face challenges almost everyday. Granted, they aren't all huge or difficult to overcome, but more than enough of them are. While contemplating the topic, I ran across a post by Sciencewomen about her MS experience, and inspiration hit. I'll write about one of my biggest, and unfortunately on-going, challenges: myself.
Like many people I possess qualities that are self-destructive. Particularly, I hold a grudge, I am quick to judge and bitterness and resentment come a little too easily. Making it through my masters program brought all of these qualities to the surface and in doing so, it also made me realize that I needed to change.
In the beginning things were fine, even though I applied for the Ph.D. program and was offered the M.S. program as a consolation prize. Since my undergraduate degree was not in science, math or anything analytical, I thought this decision by the admissions committee was understandable. I decided that since I wanted to complete the Ph.D. program, I would just enter the M.S. program but approach it the same way as a Ph.D. student, taking all the same classes, etc. The first half of the fall semester, proved difficult, but then I hit my stride. I started doing well in classes and in the lab and I started to realize that there was really no significant difference between the Ph.D. students and myself. The faculty in the department noticed this too and inquired with the graduate school about transferring me into the Ph.D. program. Unfortunately, the graduate school would NOT budge on this. They were worried that this would start a trend where undeserving M.S. students entered the Ph.D. program through the “back door.”
FINE! What. Ever.
Over the next few years, my fellow Ph.D. students took their qualifying exams and became Ph.D. candidates while I toiled away on a shitty project that was going absolutely nowhere, all the while getting more and more frustrated. What finally broke the barrier from frustration to out and out bitterness and resentment was: (1) figuring out that the graduate school was more than happy to bend plenty of rules, and (2) understanding that the amount of work required to get a M.S. varied wildly from student to student.
The graduate school bent rules for everyone, everyone but me it seemed. For example, students who were making horrible grades were given probationary period after probationary period even thought the rules clearly stated that they should have been kicked out. Furthermore rules regarding time frames for qualifying exams and graduation were routinely ignored. I didn’t particularly care if the graduate school was flexible on these points, but I felt that if one rule could be bent (and in some cases totally ignored), then why couldn’t all of them. If you aren’t going to follow the rules, then get rid of them.
In addition to feeling like I was the only student in the school that had to follow any rules, I also felt like I was being held up to a much higher standard than the other M.S. students. (Granted, there was only one other M.S. student in my department, but bitter people don’t really care about the statistical significance of their sample size.) The incident that finally pushed me over the edge was finding out that the M.S. student (who worked in the lab of one of my committee members) who started the program 2 years after I did, was going to graduate one semester after me. Not because they had enough data, or an awesome project that went smoothly, but because they threatened to quit the program. They claimed they were having a nervous break down and just couldn’t take it anymore. What was the solution? Offer the M.S. degree in exchange for one more semesters worth of work.
I was fucking livid when I found this out. This person's PI was on my committee, and they were also actively campaigning for me to put in yet another semester of work a mere two weeks after the incident with their own M.S. student. I refused and thankfully the rest of the committee felt it was unnecessary. Thankfully, I graduated at the end of the semester.
Once I finished the M.S., I went straight into the Ph.D. program and took my qualifying exam within a year in an effort to "catch-up." I tried to leave the M.S. experience behind, but I couldn't. Every time I heard about rules getting bent for a student or encountered Ph.D. students without the ability to learn or think about science, I would feel the bitterness and resentment rising up inside, making me want to explode. To make matters worse, I dwelled on the fact that I was behind everyone else.
I was miserable, but why? I was in the Ph.D. program and doing well, so what the fuck was my problem? I was the problem. Holding onto all of those negative feelings and constantly reminding myself of every misfortune that I encountered was making me unhappy and I needed to stop.
Since then, I try to take things with the proverbial grain of salt. I also try very hard not to complain about unfair situations because when I complain, I get too upset and too caught up in the negativity and, as a result, all the self destructive feelings rise to the surface. I am by no means perfect. I still complain, but I try to avoid carry things around with me the way that I did in the past and I am finding that I am a lot happier.
So, my M.S. taught me that I needed to get over myself. I needed to change my behavior before it took over my life and made me a miserable person that no one wanted to spend time with or work with. This realization was the most important thing that came out of my M.S. program.
Changing your behavior is one of the most difficult challenges in life. It takes constant work and self critique and unfortunately the progress is painfully slow, but it is rewarding when you find success.