Seminars, meetings and clubs...just kill me now

I know that, at least in theory, journal clubs, group meetings, lab meetings and that fancy seminar given by a speaker from out of town are for my own scientific good. However, the fact that all of these things occur on a weekly basis is wearing me right the fuck out. My days are already a study in multi-tasking. I need to be productive. Just like everyone else I have deadlines and expectations to meet. Now that I have my own funding, I have progress reports that loom. I also have imaginary or self-created stresses, like worrying about my productivity post-child being compared to my productivity pre-child.

In the first month back at work, I know I wasn't all that productive, but I've seriously picked up the pace since then. I also want to prove to myself and any other nay-sayer, that I can still kick some scientific ass. As a result, my days are very busy and I get seriously annoyed when other work-related activities take me away from the bench. I feel like I need every minute. Seminars, meetings, whatever; they all cut into my day. Sure, they cut into it before, but now I can't just stay late. Of course, most of these things aren't optional, so I begrudgingly go and get nothing out of it. Why? Because I spend most of the time thinking about everything I need to be doing instead of listening and (hopefully) learning. Because of this, I get nothing out of these meetings and they truly do become a waste.

So what's a busy post-doc to do? Can I skip any of these meetings and not create a shit-storm for myself?

Lab meeting - For the most part, I don't actually mind lab meeting. I like to see what my co-workers are up to and provide (or receive) helpful suggestions. Besides, lab meeting takes place during lunch time, so at least I can multi-task my lunch.

Verdict: Skipping is not an option. Lab meetings are absolutely mandatory unless you are on vacation, sick, at a meeting or trapped under something heavy.

Group meeting - This is the departmental meeting. Sometimes people from other labs in the department present, sometimes people from other labs from local institutions present. Some of them are interesting, some of them are a snooze-fest. Like lab meetings, group meeting occurs at lunch so at least I can kill two birds with one stone.

Verdict: There are a lot of people that attend these meetings, so I'm not likely to be missed, but Magnum, PI attends them religiously, so missing too many is probably not an option.

Journal club: I fucking loath journal club, especially at post-doc university. The papers people choose are lame and I rarely ever get anything out of them. Plus, a dumb-fucking donkey from another department often attends these clubs and asks stupid and inane questions every five minutes. Also, they always run 10 to 15 minutes over.

Verdict: I think I can blow these off. Magnum, PI sees these more as required for students and I am not a student. Other post-docs in the department do not attend and nobody says boo about it.

Fancy seminar: To some degree, I think everyone should attend these. After all, I wouldn't want to give a talk at another institution and have only five people show up to listen. However, at least 50% of these talks are way, way, way out of my subject area. They are so far out that I would need to spend a week reading papers just to prepare to listen. Even then, I would still probably get lost half way through. This is because the speakers are invited by PI's from within the entire center and the center is composed of some very diverse departments. My department reminds of the sesame street song, "One of these things are not like the other."

Verdict: I think I will make an executive decision to only attend the seminars that I find (a) interesting or (b) are at least tangentially related to my area of research.

Final verdict: Attend lab meeting and the departmental meeting every week, attend the fancy seminars when I am so moved and give journal club the finger. This sounds much, much better.

What do you guys do? Do you attend every seminar or do you have the luxury of picking and choosing?

My two cents on how to behave as a seminar spectator

Usually my irritation with any seminar is directed at the seminar speaker. This is because, in my experience, the vast majority of scientists and scientists-in-training give awful talks. However, today I want to post about the other end of the spectrum, the seminar attendees. During my final stretch of graduate school I barely attended seminar and as a result started forgetting about all the little annoying and rude things people do while someone is trying to present their data. After attending exactly two seminars, my annoyance level is right back to where it was when I started my vacation from seminar last September.
At my last institution there were a couple of people that just didn't seem to get it. One faculty member arrived late for every single seminar by at least 20 minutes. Frankly, if I miss the first 20 minutes of a seminar I don't even bother attending. Not only is it rude to the speaker and disruptive to walk in so late, I would have missed all the important background information. Another regular offender was a faculty from another department. This person slept through every single seminar they attended. Thankfully there was no snoring, but this person would be completely leaned over into the seat next to them. I think this is extremely rude, especially for a faculty since it gives the impression that sleeping at work is OK. Why not just tell the speaker that their data sucks and is so boring you couldn't be bothered to stay awake. The invited speakers don't know it happens every time, so what else are they going to think.
In my new department, I already know to avoid sitting next to one person in particular during seminar. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way...I sat next to them in one seminar and behind them (not by choice) in another.
The behavior exhibited by this person is extremely offensive and way worse (in my opinion) than sleeping or arriving or leaving late or early. This person is on of those who, for whatever reason, feel the need to comment on the talk, out loud, for the duration of the seminar. Unfortunately, they are also the person who answers questions for the seminar speaker, before they get the chance themselves. In seminar #2 they were even shushed by the person next to them.
First of all, the constant comments: If you have something to say, then raise your fucking hand, wait to be called on and then say it. If you don't have the balls to do that, then shut your pie-hole. Second, don't answer questions for the speaker while they are answering. Sure, you can answer a question if no one else knows the answer, but the first voice heard after a question is asked should be the speakers, not some random audience member. * It is not your seminar. If you want to answer questions, then you need to give a talk.
I think most of the people that do this are just insecure and really want the people around them to think they are smart. For me, this backfires, just like it does when people regularly talk about how awesome, good-looking, or smart they think they are.** Frankly, if you are that awesome, smart or hot, then you wouldn't need to tell me, because I would easily figure it out. I also feel that the amount of times that you mention these things is in direct proportion to how awesome, smart or hot you are not.
The take home message: Suck it up and act like a professional. Try not to disrupt everyone with your late arrival or early departure, don't use seminar as your personal nap time and please, for the love of god, realize that NO ONE wants to hear your color commentary on the seminar. And finally, know this: if we wanted to hear your answers to the questions, we would ask you.

*This goes for advisers whose students are presenting their research. Let them take a crack at answering the question before you swoop in and save the day.
**This applies to parents who constantly talk about how their kids are geniuses. Statistically speaking, it is unlikely every single kid is a genius. In fact, if a parent uses the word genius (not in a kidding way) while speaking about their child, I just stop listening and go into the regularly scheduled head nods with a "wow" and a "really" thrown in every now and again.

Learn to give a talk already.

Our weekly department seminar series (faculty inviting faculty) ended last week, THANK GOD. Over the last couple of years it seems like the bad talks exceeded the good talks by a large margin. In my opinion it is because many of the talks exhibited at least one of the following traits:
1. No clear story or message.
People who are not familiar with your research are not going to be able to follow what you are saying when you go off topic every other slide, or continually go back to previous slides because you forgot something.
2. No enthusiasm.
If you can't get it up for your own research, why should we? We hauled our asses to the seminar room, so the least you can do is speak with a little enthusiasm. If you need to, fake it.
3. Staying on one slide for eternity.
OK, only one person did this, but this person literally had 4 slides (total) for a 45-minute seminar. I am not kidding.
4. Learn to stay within the time limits.
It is beyond irritating when speakers take it upon themselves to go WAY THE HELL over the time limit. Furthermore, I don't believe for a second that these people don't know that their talk is too long. When you have more slides than minutes in your presentation, guess what, your probably over the time limit. This is even more annoying at meetings because it is disrespectful to everyone who presents after you during that session, and to the people that were able to stay within the predetermined amount of time.
5. Don't know who your audience is.
Most academic research scientists want to see data, not disgusting pictures of people riddled with diseases. One of our invited speakers worked on HPV and did some really great and important work, but all that the people who attended the seminar remember are pictures of assholes and vaginas full of warts. When I say full of warts, I mean FULL OF FUCKING WARTS. For at least a week, I saw wart-laden assholes every time I closed my eyes.

Most of these problems can be avoided with a little practice. Wouldn't you prefer giving a talk where people actually pay attention? I would.