A little OCD

I've always obsessed over little things. In high-school and undergrad I was constantly checking to make sure my alarm clock was set and on. In grad. school lab I obsessed over a couple of things in particular: (1) the Bunsen burner - was it off or on, (2) the door to the lab - was it properly closed and locked and (3) the air shaker. Now, it's the garage door.

During graduate school I tried combating my obsessions by creating routines. They would help for a while, but then the routine would become too familiar and I would alter it or add a step.

For example, to stop obsessing about my Bunsen burner, I would stare directly at it while I shut the door, thinking all the while, "See, no flame." After a while, this no longer worked, so I added to the routine. I would wave my hand over the Bunsen burner before I went to the door. I would get home sans burned hand, and remember that my flame was off. Eventually, I started freaking out about it again and just as the lab door shut I would ask myself, "Self, did you remember to wave your hand over the flame?" Since I was only 99% sure that I did, I would open the door and look again. The only way I could escape the obsessive thought was to make sure I left the lab while at least one person was still there. I guess in my mind this transferred the responsibility to someone else.

Locking the door to the grad. school lab was much of the same. Sometimes, I would go back and check the door 3 or 4 times before I could really convince myself it was shut and locked. At first I would just visually check the door to make sure it was shut, then I started jiggling the knobs. Eventually, I started doubling back when I was half way to the bus stop as I could not convince myself that all was well. Again, if I wasn't the last one to leave, the thought didn't even enter my mind.

So far, these issues do not plague me in post-doc lab. I think this is largely because the person who uses the bench right next to me comes into work around noon and as a result, always leaves later than me.

The only obsession gained since starting in post-doc lab is with my garage door. When I was in graduate school, my husband would drop me off at work in the morning and I would take the bus home in the evening. Now, I drive to work and when I leave the house after my husband I worry, "Did I shut the damn door?" At first, I solved the problem by forcing myself to watch the garage door go all the way down. Eventually this stopped working and I would find myself half way to work worrying about the garage door, so I would turn around and drive back to check. Yes, it was always fucking down, but that really doesn't matter. When I went back for a third time to check on the door I felt insane. Deep down I new the door was shut, but I just had to check again. I don't allow myself to double or triple check anymore out of fear that in a year, I'll find myself driving back and forth to my house 50 times every morning. Mostly, I just try to get the hell out of the house before my husband leaves so that the garage door becomes his "problem." God help me if I ever come home and find that thing open when I am the last one to leave the house.

I don't get this behavior at all. I do not obsess over large responsibilities. It's always little things like shutting doors or turning things on or off. I can still find the humor in it, but sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind a little.

My Love/Hate Relationship with my Bunsen Burner

I don't know many microbiologists that haven't used a Bunsen burner. We use them several times a day to sterilize loops, spreaders, pipettes, and other types of tools in the flame it produces. Sure, there are other methods for on the spot serilization, but many people still use the good old Bunsen burner.
Bunsen burners also provide good, lab-style entertainment. Who doesn't like to burn the occasional nitrocellulose membrane? I'm not a pyro or anything, but setting fire to things that turn cool colors is fun!
I prefer my flame adjusted so I get a nice "strong" flame with a well-defined blue cone in the center. I should also mention that my Bunsen burner kicks extra ass because it produces a very large flame. In fact, you can hear my burner from pretty far away. (Mine looks like the one pictured left.)

BUT. There is a dark side to my relationship with my Bunsen burner.

Whenever I leave the lab last, I am haunted by thoughts like: "Did I turn off my flame? Surely I did. Didn't I? What if it's on? What if I burn the lab down? or the building?" Once this starts there is no way of convincing myself that I did in fact, turn off my flame. So, I get in the car, drive to lab, and check the burner. It is always off. ALWAYS!

After going through this song and dance at 2:00am on a Wednesday morning, I decided it was time for action. I needed to incorporate some type of activity before I left the lab that would remind me that the Bunsen burner was off, since the act of turning it off left no impression what-so-ever.
These days, I wave my hand over the top of my Bunsen burner (where the flame shoots out) just before I exit. I can remember doing this activity, so I know the flame is off.
The hand-waving (no pun intended) is working well right now, but what if it eventually becomes so routine that I forget doing it? I'll suppose that I will end up creating some something new and eventually I will end up with some long, bizarre, lab-leaving ritual. Not to mention, I will leave the lab last everyday because I wouldn't want anyone to see that. Another possibility is that I will develop some new obsession. Like...did I turn on the shaker? I hope not.
For now, wondering about the state of my Bunsen burner flame is the only strange thing I obsess about. Furthermore, I have a lab mate that thinks it's real funny to tell me that I left my flame on the previous day.