Dumb F**king Donkeys Strike Back

I’m sure this is common in many labs, departments and offices: Some dumb fucking donkey (DFD) takes advantage of a good situation and everyone suffers because the people in charge prefer punishing everyone instead of confronting the person who is actually causing the problem. These instances might include, but are not limited to the following examples.

DFD situation #1:

DFD takes advantage of ordering by claiming that PI approved the purchase of an expensive reagent or kit (or whatever). After the item is ordered, it is discovered that permission was never granted and PI was completely out of the loop. This happens a few more times and involves the same person.

Solution: Enforce a new rule where ALL orders must gain approval from the PI, causing orders to get placed only once per week as PI does not have time to review orders multiple times a week.

DFD situation #2:

DFD refuses to turn in packing slips when an item arrives. This of course, pisses off the purchasing department, ultimately resulting in the lab manager getting bitched out.

Solution: Instead of speaking to DFD, the entire lab gets a 20 minute lecture on packing slips, what they look like, what they are for, why they are turned in to the purchasing department and what happens when they don’t. The tone of this lecture is extremely condescending and most lab members leave irritated because they don’t appreciate being spoken to like a child. As expected, DFD seems clueless and the problem continues.

DFD situation #3:

Instead of working a full day, the DFD comes in late and leaves early. Unfortunately, this DFD is the lab manager, so ordering is delayed; work orders for equipment repairs are put off, sterile items and media run out, etc. Lab members complain to PI.

Solution: Instead of asking the DFD to work more than 4.5 hours/day, the lab chores that DFD doesn’t want to do are redistributed to the lab members that actually work, i.e. post-docs and grad students.

Personally, I don’t understand why it is so difficult to confront the person who is causing the problem. I’m learning to take this shit in stride and file the experiences under, “Behavior I will not repeat when I obtain my own lab.”

Any DFDs in your lab/office/whatever

Serenity Now!

Recently, I went from sharing an office with an insanely disgruntled grad student to sharing an office with an over-emotional post-doc (OEP) and all I can say is, I want the disgruntled grad student back.

OEP is working on a project that includes elements that are out of Magnum, PI’s (and the rest of the labs) expertise. However, I happen to know a shit-ton about this subject and as a result, I am the go-to person. In general, I don't mind this. I think part of working in a lab includes passing down knowledge and assisting your fellow lab mates. I draw the line at hand-holding.

At first, I tried to help. I explained concepts, techniques and went out of my way to make sure OEP knew where to look for information, and fielded numerous questions. This area was unfamiliar territory for OEP and I was happy to help. After a while, I expected OEP to take charge of the project and use me for troubleshooting or discussing data. I am willing to help, but the person I am helping needs to help themselves as well. Unfortunately, it seems like I am basically steering the project and I am wondering if OEP can function as an independent researcher.

I am constantly called on to look at data, explain data, explain what experiments to do next, etc. When I ask basic questions about results, I don’t get answers, I get blank stares. When I inquire about reading into certain topics I get answers like, “I didn’t know I should look at that.” When I ask, what are the limitations of this program or technique you are using, I get more blank stares. In a nutshell, OEP seems clueless.

Now, I would imagine that not having a clue is frustrating and I assume that this is why OEP breaks down in tears every other week. I am sympathetic, but to a point. I don't want to come to work and deal with someone crying or complaining about how they should just give up. It's exhausting and not to sound like a bitch, but I really don't have time for this. I've actually got my own projects to work on.

Am I being to hard on OEP? Maybe. When I started in this lab, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing, but I learned. I read many papers, I researched protocols, techniques, machines and brushed up on my biochemistry (big time). And yes, I asked my lab mates and Magnum, PI questions, but no one was holding my hand telling me what to do.

I'm at a loss as to what I should do. I don't even know that there is anything I can do. There really isn't anyone else in the lab that can help OEP. I don't want OEP to fail, but I am not willing to sacrifice half my time to steer another project and pick up the pieces every other week.

I'm not the boss of you

There are a couple of graduate students who feel the need to make sure that I know how many hours they spend in the lab. First of all, I don't care how much time these people do or do not spend in the lab because:

(1) it's not my job

My job as a post-doctoral fellow is not too police how much or little graduate students work. I think that my job (right this minute) entails (a) conducting research, publishing papers, obtaining funding and acquiring skills that will assist in obtaining a tenure-track faculty position; (b) mentoring my little grad student with stinky breath, (c) acting as a sounding board for new ideas and troubleshooting for any lab member, (d) editing grants and other written items for my Magnum, PI and (e) random lab shit. I'm sure I've left something out, but you get the idea.

(2) it's really more about the quality and quantity of data you produce.

It's all about the data. As long as you are producing data at a reasonable pace and publishing papers, all is well. If you can do that working 3 hours a day, great. If it takes you ten hours a day, fine. I really don't care.

(3) it's not my lab.

I have no authority to reprimand someone if they choose to do nothing or not come to the lab.

And now for the point of this post:

I've started getting to the lab about an hour and a half earlier than what I used to as my child likes to get up at the crack of ass. Since this time, I've noticed that the people in my lab that were always talking about how they got to the lab by 6:00 a.m. NEVER get here by 6:00 a.m. In fact, it's more like 8:00 a.m. Maybe it's a coincidence. The same thing happened in grad. lab. There was one fellow grad student who whined endlessly about how they never could sleep in and were always in the lab by 5:30 or 6:00 a.m. Low and behold, when I start getting to work by 8:00 a.m. do to a schedule change, their sleeping problems suddenly vanished.

Like I said, I don't give a flying fuck when these people get to work, when they leave work or what they do while they are at work. I'm just surprised that people regularly take the time to lie about this shit.

Solutions for solutions

Apparently my current lab contains people who cannot or will not order supplies. As a result, we are constantly running out of certain regularly-used items. I know that this problem is not unique to my lab. On a good day, finding a certain reagent or supply completely gone makes me mildly annoyed. On a bad day, this can send me into a rage.

Yesterday, I found myself annoyed as I was having a decent day already. A couple other co-workers and I discussed the ongoing problem and potential solutions. My solution, regrettably, was to start hoarding this particular supply (one that I always need and we are regularly out of) for myself. I really don't like to hoard supplies, but I also don't like for my experiments to get put on hold because some dumb fucking donkey couldn't fill out an order form.

This ultimately lead to a discussion about people taking your solutions and reagents without asking and the remedies we each had employed in the past. (Note: I am NOT talking about a few mls.) My co-workers had tried (1) hiding solutions; (2) writing "DON'T USE WITHOUT ASKING" on the solution label and (3) giving solutions generic names such as "A." My remedies included making the solutions weird concentrations that require the thief to do math. (For example, 1.41M instead of 1M.) The hypothesis here being that if you are too lazy to make solutions, then you are probably too lazy to do math. If this doesn't work, I mislabel my solutions. The label may read 1M Tris, but it is actually 5M NaCl. This is most effective because the thief determines you can't make solutions and quits "borrowing" from you. I was told this was kind of evil, but I think taking people's shit without permission is still worse. Of course, I am an only child and I don't like to share. :)

Stalked in the lab

When I am the new person in a lab, I am acutely aware of the fact that until I know, at least to some degree, what the hell I am doing and where in the hell everything is located and how things run from day to day, that I am going to be a burden to someone. However, there is really know other way to learn all this information, so I try to ask different people for help instead of constantly bothering the same person. I find that most people, myself included, are pretty willing to help a new lab member adjust, but only to a point. After several days of questions it gets hard to not let the constant interruptions get on your nerves a little, and if you are already having a shitty day, it’s even more difficult not to let it show.

To avoid this problem, or at least to keep it to a minimum, I say spread the questions around. Although some inquiries can only be answered by specific lab members, almost anyone can provide you with a common protocol or show you where a reagent is located. I assume that most people take this approach, but our new post-doc apparently does not subscribe to this philosophy. In short, the new post-doc is stalking me.

Every single, cotton-picking question is directed at me, even when multiple people are available to choose from. I’ll give the person some credit, at least they don’t interrupt me right while I am in the middle of something, but it seems like every time I turn around from the bench, there they are, waiting to ask me something. Today, I found this person just watching me. They didn’t have a question, they weren’t looking for anything, they were just watching. It's creepy.

on being a mentee

Disclaimer: I’m only on my first (and hopefully last) post-doc, so I could be wrong about the following.

I did not take my post-doc position with the expectation that I would learn anything from my new PI regarding bench work. Hell, the last time this dude was at the bench, fire was still a novelty. Well, he's not quite that old, but his working at the bench days were a while back. Don’t get me wrong, he is smart, has good ideas and he totally gets the concept of everything we do in the lab, but he is not likely to provide a lot of technical assistance.

Even in graduate school, I didn’t find my PI to helpful with technical aspects beyond my second year in the lab. Don’t get me wrong, we still discussed ideas, hypotheses, data, presenting and writing, but trouble-shooting experiments was largely left to the individual. Personally, I think I learned a lot from this approach because it forced me to learn every aspect of every experiment that I performed, thus allowing me to pinpoint the problem or potential problems when things went awry as things tend to do.

Some of the post-docs in my current lab seem a little frustrated with Magnum, PI and don’t think he is a good mentor. They think he doesn't provide them with enough help. I do not share this opinion, but maybe these people came from labs where the PI directed their efforts. If so, then I can see why they might struggle. This lab is not a good fit for someone who can’t work independently.

I do not need someone to talk to me about every single experiment that I do, or think about doing. I don’t need to discuss every result and I don’t need to ask what type of experiment to embark on next. I do expect to discuss the data, as a whole, when it starts to take shape, when I get confirmed, yet, unexpected results or when I think things need to move in a significantly different direction. Of course, when I do talk to him about any of these topics, I am prepared. I don’t just show up, barf the data on his desk and wait for him to tell me what it means and what to do. It’s more like, here is the data, this is what I think and these are the reasons why. What do you think?

However, the mentoring that I really want and need is in relation to my future as an academic scientist. Specifically, applying for grants, fellowships, etc. I also hope that he can guide me from being a green post-doc to a prepared post-doc, with all the skills needed to interview for and obtain a junior faculty position. These are things I don’t know a whole helluva lot about. So far, I am pleased with the guidance I am receiving and I really don’t anticipate any problems in the future.

Of course, my sample size is n=1. What do you guys expect from your post-doc mentor? If you are a P.I., what type of mentoring do you provide your post-docs?

The timer trick

At every institution, there exists a person with too much time on their hands and a complete inability to read social cues. Like a mascot to a sports team, there is at least one located at every place of employment. 

They corner you at the vending machines, in the bathroom, on the elevator, in the hallway and talk your damn ear off. Not for two or three minutes, but for 10-15 minutes or even longer. You try your best to get away. You might move toward the door, stop making eye contact or just walk away, but it doesn't work because they tend to follow in order to continue the conversation. You might try verbal clues, including the yes or no answer only approach (don't engage further), add some slight irritation to your voice or even flat out say you must go, but all attempts fail because there is always just one more thing they need to say or ask. The worst part is that these are typically very nice and well-meaning people and you don't want to hurt their feelings. If they were jerks, the problem would solve itself. 

My solution is to use my timer in a preemptive strike. When ever I see these people or know that I must visit them for whatever reason, I set my timer for anywhere from 2-10 minutes. Two minutes for a random run-in, longer for a work-related visit (i.e. getting something signed). Once the timer goes off, I stop it and inform the other person that I must stop a gel or incubation or whatever. Then I scurry off, looking every bit determined and busy. It works like a charm. No feelings are hurt and my productivity is not impaired.

This does require that my timer is always on my person, but I am always timing something so for me this is no big deal. It also requires you to set your timer without looking at it, as is the case for the unplanned run-ins. Alternatively, you can preset your timer for 2 min every time you venture to the vending machine so that you must only hit the start button when you spot the chatter box.

Department slut...

Despite the fact that I have been in a long-term relationship for the duration of my graduate studies, rumors about me screwing which ever person I am seen with most often persist. Surprisingly, the rumors aren't limited to me and other men.
I met one of my closest friends from graduate school during orientation. We joined the same department and subsequently, joined the same lab. Since we were in the same classes and working in the same lab we went to lunch together and took breaks together almost everyday. Obviously, this meant we were sleeping together and it spread all over the department. We were as unimpressed with the rumor as we were with the majority of the department, so neither of us really paid too much attention to it except when we needed a good laugh. However, I was surprised to learn that these assumptions were not limited to co-workers. I later found out that the women my friend (M) and I bought coffee from also thought we were a couple. M and I didn't hold hands or make out in the coffee line, so I'm not sure where the assumption came from, but I found it too amusing to correct her.
After M dumped me and moved away (i.e. graduated and moved to her kick-ass post-doc position) our lab hired a new post-doc. We get along well and have become pretty good friends and as friends who work two feet from each other might do, we get coffee and eat lunch together. Of course, it also means that we are having an affair. The rumors started much quicker this time around, most likely because post-doc and I are of the opposite sex, and as you know, people of the opposite sex can't hang out together at work without getting involved. Seriously, who could control themselves when they are surrounded by people wearing boxy white lab coats while the smell of TEMED and biohazard lingers in the air.
I've informed M that I am "seeing" someone else and I think she is OK with it. :)
On a side note, the new post-doc and I buy our coffee at a different place than M and I used too. The guy who works at this place doesn't think post-doc and I are together, but oddly enough, he seems to be under the impression that we are siblings.